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Latest craving...Fry's Turkish Delight bars. And it's gotta be Fry's. None of the Dairy Milk rip-off stuff!



Still throwing up at every opportunity, and gutted because now my favourite chicken chop suey is having that effect on me too.



Another annoying thing; I constantly feel like I'm hungry - fuzzy head, aching stomach etc - yet when I eat I can't keep it down, or I feel sick thinking about eating to beghin with. And when I do manage to eat something and keep hold of it, i'm hungry again half an hour later. But I can't eat a lot and feel full after onl a few mouthfuls. This baby is gonna be a fussy eater isn't it?

Now into week 10. Morning sickness has turned into morning, late afternoon and evening sickness. I keep telling myself that it's happening because of the baby and is a sign that everything's going well. Believe me, after the amount of hours I've spent envying pregnant women, there's no way im going to (seriously) complin about anything now. I'm going to relish every retch, every twinge of backache, every stretch mark, every single thing that happens to me because of pregnancy.



Got my first proper dating scan on the 11th feb. Finally we'll be able to see a baby, and not a 'prawn'.



Course, my happiness would be complete if Gav were here but at least we're back on good terms. I've not completely given up hope...

Entering 9th week of pregnancy, and the morning sickness is really kicking in now! I'm averaging twice a day - morning AND evening, and the only things I can reliably keep down are potato or cheese-based foods - so I'm eating a lot of cheesey mash and chips with cheese on top. At least it's a good balance of carbs/protein/calcium. Oh, and orange juice; can't get enough of the stuff! This kid will never suffer from colds...



Not had any more cravings as such - it's more a case of if I hear a food mentioned I instantly want it, but I don't panic if I can't get it.



Got my first proper scan on the 11th Feb (at 12 weeks), which will be when it will finally look like a baby and not a blob with a heartbeat. Can't wait for that, it'll finally sink in that I'm carrying a life and not just a schizophrenic prawn (our nickname for it!).

Had the scan, turns out i'm not 12/13 weeks as originally thought, but only 7. So now i'm back shitting myself because it was around this point I had the miscarriage last time. I was so happy when I thought the first trimester was over, and now I know i'm stilll bang in the middle of it...but that would explain why I didn't get any sickness up until about 4 weeks ago, and why it's steadily getting worse. It's meant to peak at around 10-12 weeks, then start to tail off after that point.



So, I'll have to adjust the widget: the baby doesn't look like a baby yet but more like an alien with a tail, or, as Gav calls it, a Prawn. Lovely. Been told I should call it Marie Rose if it's a girl :-)

It's official: I'm not enjoying this pregnancy. And it's not because I feel sick every day, it's not because my breasts are so sore I can't fold my arms, it's not because I get almost constant cramping pain, it's not even because I live with constant heartburn. No, it's because the father isn't around. I could endure all these symptoms and more if Gav were here to share them with me. I waited for so long to get pregnant, and now I am; I can't enjoy it because Gav buggered off. I wanted him to be here with me, sharing in all the ups and downs of the pregnancy, of the life we've created together. I wanted us to go looking at baby clothes together. To plan nursery furniture. To have him feel it the first time the baby moves. To hold my hand during Braxton-Hicks. I wanted him to fully experience what it means to be a father. You can't do that part time. He hates his father - and now it seems like our baby could grow up thinking that way about him.



To me, one of the greatest gifts a woman can give her man is a son or daughter. I just wish Gav would accept the wrapping paper as well as the gift inside...



**Had to edit this post, but here's the comments left so far **





sahahria



13:04:36

Jan 02 2009



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*hugs*



And speaking only from my personal experience- what you offer is far more and better than having an unwilling father around. My mother was a single mom for most of my life- she "forced" my brother's father to stay around.



Looking at the personal contrast- it is huge. My childhood was happy and nurturing. My brothers, not so happy or supportive. Keep in mind this also has to do with individuals, but what you have described as being presented to you- you will not only be better of you will thrive without as painful as that seems/sounds.



There are no words for the sorrow, and I'm sorry that in what should be a happy time you must grieve the loss of someone you held so dear. I hope you find a way to keep yourself balanced with all that is positive around you now with your grief. *hugs*







Maledicta



13:50:21

Jan 02 2009



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True; better no father than an unwilling one. This is the time I need to let go of my ideals and accept that, despite feelings to the contrary, Gav just wasn't the right person for me. I just can't help wishing I'd found that out four months ago...!